Hi sweet readers! I published this piece on CatholicMom.com this past Wednesday, and just realized that I ought to share it on Humble Handmaid as well. Let me know what you think! And if you have any tips to add to mine–please share with us in a comment. The Lord knows I for one can use all the help I can get…:) God bless you! -Erin
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After the evening I’ve had, I can’t
believe that I am actually writing a post on “thriving in the Little Years.” I
am the mother of a four-year-old, a three-year-old, and a 16-month-old, and today
was more about surviving than thriving. We finally got the
kids in bed a few minutes ago. The past four hours of my life involved LOTS of
fussing (from the kids) and yelling (regrettably, at the kids) and at least one
almost-fight (in front of the kids).
believe that I am actually writing a post on “thriving in the Little Years.” I
am the mother of a four-year-old, a three-year-old, and a 16-month-old, and today
was more about surviving than thriving. We finally got the
kids in bed a few minutes ago. The past four hours of my life involved LOTS of
fussing (from the kids) and yelling (regrettably, at the kids) and at least one
almost-fight (in front of the kids).
Tonight reminded me that some days
(or weeks or months) are a
little more about survival than others. Anybody with the goal of thriving in every moment of every day as
a mother of little ones is setting herself up for disillusionment. Take it from
me. Because we are all sinners, it’s just not a totally sound spiritual or
practical goal in this beautiful, but often-exhausting season of the Little
Years.
(or weeks or months) are a
little more about survival than others. Anybody with the goal of thriving in every moment of every day as
a mother of little ones is setting herself up for disillusionment. Take it from
me. Because we are all sinners, it’s just not a totally sound spiritual or
practical goal in this beautiful, but often-exhausting season of the Little
Years.
What is a sound goal for a Little
Years mother? I’m no expert, but my thought now is that the goal is, very
simply, to walk our journey with God:
with humility, with all our ways acknowledging Him, and with the help of the
sacraments and a deep personal prayer life.
Years mother? I’m no expert, but my thought now is that the goal is, very
simply, to walk our journey with God:
with humility, with all our ways acknowledging Him, and with the help of the
sacraments and a deep personal prayer life.
Even with my helpfully amended
goals in motherhood, some days you’re still going to find me in Survival Mode—not
that I think that’s always a bad thing. Our vocations are meant to make us lean
heavily on the Lord. And in my most honest moments in prayer, I thank Him from
the bottom of my heart for bringing me closer to Him through the challenges of
marriage and motherhood he has permitted for me so far.
goals in motherhood, some days you’re still going to find me in Survival Mode—not
that I think that’s always a bad thing. Our vocations are meant to make us lean
heavily on the Lord. And in my most honest moments in prayer, I thank Him from
the bottom of my heart for bringing me closer to Him through the challenges of
marriage and motherhood he has permitted for me so far.
One of my favorite books for
mothers living in the Little Years is Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic. At the time she
wrote the book, Rachel was mother to five children under five years old.
mothers living in the Little Years is Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic. At the time she
wrote the book, Rachel was mother to five children under five years old.
Rachel writes that, “the
opportunities for growth abound [in motherhood]–but you have to be willing.
You have to open your heart to the tumble. As you deal with your children, deal
with yourself always and first. This is what it looks like, and feels like, to
walk as a mother with God.”
opportunities for growth abound [in motherhood]–but you have to be willing.
You have to open your heart to the tumble. As you deal with your children, deal
with yourself always and first. This is what it looks like, and feels like, to
walk as a mother with God.”
Walking with God is what is keeping
me afloat. It is how I’ve survived, and have sometimes thrived. From one mother
of little ones to another, here are a few things that have helped me walk with
God in these Little Years.
me afloat. It is how I’ve survived, and have sometimes thrived. From one mother
of little ones to another, here are a few things that have helped me walk with
God in these Little Years.
– 1
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The
Treasure of Titus 2 Friendships
Treasure of Titus 2 Friendships
Titus 2:4-5 instructs “older
women” to teach younger women how to “love their husbands and
children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, [and] to be
kind…” Unfortunately, our culture just doesn’t naturally draw women together
for the kind of “Titus 2” female friendships that were such an important
part of older cultures. How wonderful and helpful those relationships can be,
though!
women” to teach younger women how to “love their husbands and
children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, [and] to be
kind…” Unfortunately, our culture just doesn’t naturally draw women together
for the kind of “Titus 2” female friendships that were such an important
part of older cultures. How wonderful and helpful those relationships can be,
though!
Younger mothers need to pray for
and seek out these kinds of big sister-type friendships with older moms–don’t
be shy! (As a lifelong introvert myself, I get to say that.) Also, one thing
that I have learned in my five years as a mother is that you become a Titus 2
woman much more quickly than you might think. Make sure that you keep your eyes and your heart open for “younger” or
“older” mothers around you. We all need encouragement. We all need holy women
to admire. We all need friends.
and seek out these kinds of big sister-type friendships with older moms–don’t
be shy! (As a lifelong introvert myself, I get to say that.) Also, one thing
that I have learned in my five years as a mother is that you become a Titus 2
woman much more quickly than you might think. Make sure that you keep your eyes and your heart open for “younger” or
“older” mothers around you. We all need encouragement. We all need holy women
to admire. We all need friends.
I looked up to several amazing mom
friends of mine when I started having children, and their beautiful, holy
mothering made an enormous impact on me. Those friendships, which began with
them being a sort of “big sister” to me, have evolved into deep,
mutual friendships that I treasure. Whether I get to sneak away for coffee and
good conversation with her, or I simply notice something like the respect and
gentle affection a friend has for her husband, a Titus 2 friend is always a
teacher to me.
friends of mine when I started having children, and their beautiful, holy
mothering made an enormous impact on me. Those friendships, which began with
them being a sort of “big sister” to me, have evolved into deep,
mutual friendships that I treasure. Whether I get to sneak away for coffee and
good conversation with her, or I simply notice something like the respect and
gentle affection a friend has for her husband, a Titus 2 friend is always a
teacher to me.
If you don’t have any Titus 2 mom
friends, look around again. Maybe you have an amazing sister-in-law, or your
own mother, or some holy women in your church’s MOPS group. Don’t be afraid to
pursue friendships, ask questions, and even ask for prayer. Your humility and
courage can actually lift up those women by making them realize that they
aren’t doing quite as badly as they think they are. Sometimes Titus 2 moms need
a little encouragement too. 🙂
friends, look around again. Maybe you have an amazing sister-in-law, or your
own mother, or some holy women in your church’s MOPS group. Don’t be afraid to
pursue friendships, ask questions, and even ask for prayer. Your humility and
courage can actually lift up those women by making them realize that they
aren’t doing quite as badly as they think they are. Sometimes Titus 2 moms need
a little encouragement too. 🙂
–
2 –
2 –
If
you feel like you’ve lost yourself…that can be a good thing.
you feel like you’ve lost yourself…that can be a good thing.
If you are feeling lost in these
Little Years-it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re doing it all wrong. First off, mothering one, two or
several little ones is an objectively, incredibly hard job, maybe especially in this
day and age (fellow
blogger Jennifer Fulwiler has an excellent piece on this topic).
Little Years-it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re doing it all wrong. First off, mothering one, two or
several little ones is an objectively, incredibly hard job, maybe especially in this
day and age (fellow
blogger Jennifer Fulwiler has an excellent piece on this topic).
Secondly,
we hear over and over that in every vocation, we
are meant to find ourselves by first losing ourselves. St. Pope John
Paul II wrote profoundly that “man…cannot fully find himself except
through a sincere gift of himself” (Gaudium et Spes 24). In the end, our vocation is not about us. Just because we mommas have walked down the aisle and subsequently given a big, brave, labor-ious Yes! to motherhood, doesn’t mean everything is going to magically make sense in our lives for ever after.
we hear over and over that in every vocation, we
are meant to find ourselves by first losing ourselves. St. Pope John
Paul II wrote profoundly that “man…cannot fully find himself except
through a sincere gift of himself” (Gaudium et Spes 24). In the end, our vocation is not about us. Just because we mommas have walked down the aisle and subsequently given a big, brave, labor-ious Yes! to motherhood, doesn’t mean everything is going to magically make sense in our lives for ever after.
So, I’ve come to understand that it is a natural thing to wrestle
with a loss of self in these early years, especially in the vocation of
marriage, “where two become one” (and sometimes many). Part of what I
think is so hard for moms in the midst of young marriage and parenthood in the
Little Years is that we are forced to give so much of ourselves, very
quickly and very completely. It’s difficult to take a step back for enough time
to wrap our heads and hearts around how to transform all that giving into a
“sincere gift of self.” Maybe, I think, that part is a lifelong
learning process.
with a loss of self in these early years, especially in the vocation of
marriage, “where two become one” (and sometimes many). Part of what I
think is so hard for moms in the midst of young marriage and parenthood in the
Little Years is that we are forced to give so much of ourselves, very
quickly and very completely. It’s difficult to take a step back for enough time
to wrap our heads and hearts around how to transform all that giving into a
“sincere gift of self.” Maybe, I think, that part is a lifelong
learning process.
Even just a few years into this
vocation, my identity is so much more rooted in God than it ever was before. It
has to be. I can no longer secretly define myself by my job, for example, or my major, or my bright future with my fiance,
or my ministry work.
vocation, my identity is so much more rooted in God than it ever was before. It
has to be. I can no longer secretly define myself by my job, for example, or my major, or my bright future with my fiance,
or my ministry work.
I am a daughter of the King, and I work in the mission field
he has planted me in. My heart’s desire is to love, to know intimately, and to
serve God here in line with his will for my life. I work toward my heart’s
desire by doing the work of my particular vocation: striving for a good and holy marriage, disciplining my
children wisely and patiently, cooking dinner and cleaning bathrooms and
running to Walgreens for more Infant Tylenol at 2am.
he has planted me in. My heart’s desire is to love, to know intimately, and to
serve God here in line with his will for my life. I work toward my heart’s
desire by doing the work of my particular vocation: striving for a good and holy marriage, disciplining my
children wisely and patiently, cooking dinner and cleaning bathrooms and
running to Walgreens for more Infant Tylenol at 2am.
God introduced me a few
years ago to the writings of St. Josemaria Escriva, who spoke and wrote often
about finding holiness in the ordinary work of your everyday life. St. Josemaria explains that “Heaven
and earth seem to merge, my children, on the horizon. But where they really
meet is in your hearts, when you sanctify your everyday lives.” Every young mother wading through marriage
and early parenthood needs to hear that holiness is possible–yes, even for
her!–when she sanctifies the ordinary, unglamorous work of her day.
years ago to the writings of St. Josemaria Escriva, who spoke and wrote often
about finding holiness in the ordinary work of your everyday life. St. Josemaria explains that “Heaven
and earth seem to merge, my children, on the horizon. But where they really
meet is in your hearts, when you sanctify your everyday lives.” Every young mother wading through marriage
and early parenthood needs to hear that holiness is possible–yes, even for
her!–when she sanctifies the ordinary, unglamorous work of her day.
On that note, Colossians 3:23 has
also been a help to me: “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for
God and not for men.” Because sometimes those babies aren’t the most
grateful little souls in the world, you know. 🙂
also been a help to me: “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for
God and not for men.” Because sometimes those babies aren’t the most
grateful little souls in the world, you know. 🙂
–
3 –
3 –
Deal
with yourself, always and first
with yourself, always and first
In Loving the Little Years, Rachel Jankovic is spot-on
with reminding us to deal with ourselves “always and first” as
mothers. It goes back to the familiar verse in Matthew 7 where he says to
“first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly
enough to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
with reminding us to deal with ourselves “always and first” as
mothers. It goes back to the familiar verse in Matthew 7 where he says to
“first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly
enough to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
What an important passage for me to
keep in mind as a mother of little ones. My own sins are so often deeper than
the multitude of childish “speck” sins that I constantly point out
and work to correct in my children.
keep in mind as a mother of little ones. My own sins are so often deeper than
the multitude of childish “speck” sins that I constantly point out
and work to correct in my children.
How many times have I contributed
to the escalation of a tense situation with the kids by my own poor attitudes
and selfishness? Am I being snippy with the kids because my husband
accidentally took the leftovers I was looking forward to eating today? Did I
rush the kids through the bedtime routine just so that I could watch the season
premiere of my favorite show? Am I overreacting to the toothpaste in the dog’s
water bowl because I just finished cleaning the kitchen and gosh-darn-it I
can’t take one more mess today!?
to the escalation of a tense situation with the kids by my own poor attitudes
and selfishness? Am I being snippy with the kids because my husband
accidentally took the leftovers I was looking forward to eating today? Did I
rush the kids through the bedtime routine just so that I could watch the season
premiere of my favorite show? Am I overreacting to the toothpaste in the dog’s
water bowl because I just finished cleaning the kitchen and gosh-darn-it I
can’t take one more mess today!?
It takes practiced self-awareness
to stop and discern your proposed words or actions before responding to a
situation. I have found myself slowly learning to “hold my horses”
before responding to tense situations at home with just my first-instinct
emotions for a guide. Often, if I find
myself overwhelmingly angry, frustrated or bitter, there is something I need to
deal with in my own heart before pointing out issues that my husband or
children have in theirs.
to stop and discern your proposed words or actions before responding to a
situation. I have found myself slowly learning to “hold my horses”
before responding to tense situations at home with just my first-instinct
emotions for a guide. Often, if I find
myself overwhelmingly angry, frustrated or bitter, there is something I need to
deal with in my own heart before pointing out issues that my husband or
children have in theirs.
–
4 –
4 –
Get
up on time.
up on time.
Getting up before my family wakes
up in the morning is so, so helpful. Saint
after saint after much-more-experienced-mom-than-me get up at least an hour
before the rest of the house. First, they pray. After they pray, they do a
few practical things around the house to get ready for the day. Simple. Hard.
But so fruitful.
up in the morning is so, so helpful. Saint
after saint after much-more-experienced-mom-than-me get up at least an hour
before the rest of the house. First, they pray. After they pray, they do a
few practical things around the house to get ready for the day. Simple. Hard.
But so fruitful.
Getting up “on time,” as I try to
call it, is always a struggle for me, but it is one battle that I think I am
finally starting to win more consistently. I am in a season of my life that
leaves me few excuses for not getting up on time in the morning (read: my
children all sleep through the night…please don’t hate me:). The fruits of me
getting up earlier than the children are so apparent to both me and to my
husband. There is less morning chaos. I am less stressed. I am able to feed my
soul with Scripture and prayer before having to feed others.
call it, is always a struggle for me, but it is one battle that I think I am
finally starting to win more consistently. I am in a season of my life that
leaves me few excuses for not getting up on time in the morning (read: my
children all sleep through the night…please don’t hate me:). The fruits of me
getting up earlier than the children are so apparent to both me and to my
husband. There is less morning chaos. I am less stressed. I am able to feed my
soul with Scripture and prayer before having to feed others.
I love St. Josemaria’s take on “the
heroic minute,” in his book The Way.
“Conquer yourself each day from the very first moment, getting up on the dot,
at a fixed time, without yielding a single minute to laziness…here you have a
mortification that strengthens your will and does no harm to your body. If,
with God’s help, you conquer yourself, you will be well ahead for the rest of
the day.” (191).
heroic minute,” in his book The Way.
“Conquer yourself each day from the very first moment, getting up on the dot,
at a fixed time, without yielding a single minute to laziness…here you have a
mortification that strengthens your will and does no harm to your body. If,
with God’s help, you conquer yourself, you will be well ahead for the rest of
the day.” (191).
Getting up earlier than the rest of the house is not always
possible. New babies or sick children obviously throw a kink in the plan, as
would the blessing of one of those children whose God-given internal clock says
every day, “4:59 a.m.! Time to wake up!” In general though, waking up before the rest of the house is
a good goal to look forward to whenever it becomes physically or logistically
possible for you.
possible. New babies or sick children obviously throw a kink in the plan, as
would the blessing of one of those children whose God-given internal clock says
every day, “4:59 a.m.! Time to wake up!” In general though, waking up before the rest of the house is
a good goal to look forward to whenever it becomes physically or logistically
possible for you.
– 5 –
Take
care of yourself.
care of yourself.
Jesus asks us to love him with all of our ‘heart, body, soul and
mind.” A tall order. And one that many of us mothers of all ages may need to
reflect on more seriously. The fact is,
there are moms out there who suffer deeply with undiagnosed depression,
anxiety, and a host of other medical problems that mean they physically cannot
offer their whole, best selves to their families.
mind.” A tall order. And one that many of us mothers of all ages may need to
reflect on more seriously. The fact is,
there are moms out there who suffer deeply with undiagnosed depression,
anxiety, and a host of other medical problems that mean they physically cannot
offer their whole, best selves to their families.
Addressing deeper, undiagnosed problems in our mental and physical
health is not something that I’ve seen a lot of Christian women writing
about. If we are writing about mental and physical health, it usually
seems to involve “taking care of ourselves” by making sure we have
“me time,” or more prayer time, or enough sleep, or appropriate fitness
and weight-loss goals. Those things are important and are challenging for many
of us. However, some very real and more-common-than-you-think health issues
can’t be completely solved with those kinds of fixes.
health is not something that I’ve seen a lot of Christian women writing
about. If we are writing about mental and physical health, it usually
seems to involve “taking care of ourselves” by making sure we have
“me time,” or more prayer time, or enough sleep, or appropriate fitness
and weight-loss goals. Those things are important and are challenging for many
of us. However, some very real and more-common-than-you-think health issues
can’t be completely solved with those kinds of fixes.
Turning to the Divine Healer in prayer is absolutely vital in
dealing with health struggles, but sometimes
prayer alone will not heal us. I want to encourage you, if you feel
physically or mentally unable to be reasonably what you wish to be for your family, to give
some honest thought to the idea that there might something you need to deal
with emotionally or medically.
dealing with health struggles, but sometimes
prayer alone will not heal us. I want to encourage you, if you feel
physically or mentally unable to be reasonably what you wish to be for your family, to give
some honest thought to the idea that there might something you need to deal
with emotionally or medically.
Sometimes, what we think is normal or “just part of this season of
life” is not normal at all. It takes honesty, prayer, and often the counsel of
some solid, wise friends to figure out if it is time to rule out anything
medical or counseling-related that could be going on. On the mental health side
of things, there is nothing wrong or weak about seeking out solid Christian
counseling, or medical treatments or medications that help your body and your mind be where
they need to be to let you be what you need to be.
life” is not normal at all. It takes honesty, prayer, and often the counsel of
some solid, wise friends to figure out if it is time to rule out anything
medical or counseling-related that could be going on. On the mental health side
of things, there is nothing wrong or weak about seeking out solid Christian
counseling, or medical treatments or medications that help your body and your mind be where
they need to be to let you be what you need to be.
As Jesus showed us on the way to Calvary, sometimes surrendering
to a cross involves having the courage to get help in carrying it.
to a cross involves having the courage to get help in carrying it.
* * *
Wishing each of you the joy of the Lord and grace for the moment!
Erin, thank you so much for your last point. I've been dealing with PPD/PPOCD/Anxiety for about 4 years, since I miscarried my first pregnancy. It was undiagnosed for about half that time, and was terrible, terrible, terrible during my last pregnancy (baby is almost one now!). It has definitely been a combination of God's saving Grace and the gift of faith, together with quality professional mental health care, that has gotten me through (what I hope is) the worst of it. I agree that many Christian women don't share their experiences about this, and I'd really like to start/contribute to that conversation. I just haven't figured out how quite yet…
I feel like there are so many of us out there who have struggled with issues like that. I am SO GLAD to hear that you are doing better and that God walked you out of that dark time. I recently had a miscarriage (my first), and I can definitely see how the emotions and grief surrounding that could help jumpstart the kind of mental/interior suffering you described. It is so difficult. God bless you and sustain you in all you have going on in your life right now! The closing prayer for the Chaplet of Divine Mercy has been a daily devotion for me for a long time now (if not the whole Chaplet). It has helped me so much through some of my darkest seasons. If you have never prayed it, I highly recommend it. It seems to just touch on all of the most important points I need to fight for peace and trust in God.
Beautifully expressed! I miss the Titus 2 friendships we left behind in Houston, but I know God will provide for us. I always feel like I need to worry less about getting it all right, and more about being in the moment, thanking God for our three little blessings, and feeling the joy he has sent us, even in the difficult times.
Thanks, Danielle:) Trust me, having just moved here from Houston just last October, I can attest to the fact that He DOES provide abundantly in friendship. There are so many wonderful women and amazing families here in Baton Rouge. And you picked a particularly vibrant parish to join.:) Since Gabe has been in school this fall, I feel like I've been given the gift of some time to really enjoy my younger two and "be in the moment" like you said. I've spent more unstructured time this past month just being silly at meals or wrestling on their bed or reading to the girls than I can remember. Looking forward to getting to know you and your beautiful children better!