Photo by Leigh Kendell via Unsplash (2016); Photo altered and text added by Erin Franco
First off, I don’t have all the answers when it comes to this topic. There are so few answers to miscarriage.
I’ve had one miscarriage. It was my fourth pregnancy (after three textbook babies), and tiny Kolbe was only about seven weeks gestation. Even though I knew I was most likely miscarrying because of my physical symptoms, I hoped and prayed that a miracle would be His will for me and that tiny life. It wasn’t.
I am 14 weeks pregnant this week with my fourth baby (or should I say fifth?), and I am entering this week with a sigh of relief. I am past that statistical “hump” that so many of us keep in the back of our minds in our first trimester.Â
It’s been a more reserved sigh of relief, though. Something could still happen, and I know that.
I have two friends whose babies were born stillborn at 39 weeks. I have an acquaintance who had sudden complications at delivery that caused the death of her baby and an emergency hysterectomy for her. I’ve had friends who miscarried at 20 weeks. I’ve had two friends who announced their pregnancies on Facebook, only to lose their sweet babies to miscarriage the very next day.
I’ll be honest, because I know I’m not the only woman in the world who has been through this. It’s been tough to fight anxiety at times this pregnancy. It’s been tough to stay excited. It was tough to decide when to tell people. We still haven’t posted a cutesy “announcement” on Facebook (although I did finally mention the pregnancy in a short bonus episode of my podcast).
From conception to a healthy pregnancy to a smooth delivery, babies truly are a miracle. I didn’t fully understand that until after I miscarried.
So what do you do when Something Could Still Happen?Â
Here’s what I do. You get up each day and you serve your family. You go to work. You thank God every morning when you throw up in the half bath next to the kitchen before heading out for carpool (‘cuz being sick is supposed to be a “good sign”). You make your children laugh by showing them how big the baby is by comparing it to a raisin or a grape or a lime or a King Cake baby. And you say that beautiful, powerful Closing Prayer to the Chaplet of Divine Mercy every day and you fight with all your heart to mean it. You say “Your will be done, Lord” every single time you go to the bathroom. You try not to burst into tears with relief after it takes the nurse a little too long to find the baby’s heartbeat at your OB appointment. You keep on keepin’ on, taking your thoughts captive as often as they try to run away with you.
And that’s what I’ll keep doing until this little baby is either born into Heaven or born into my arms in August.
Part of taking my thoughts captive has been recognizing that the devil wants to do everything He can to steal my joy. He doesn’t want me to fall in love with this baby. He doesn’t want me to pick out names or start looking for good deals on a new infant carrier. He wants to tempt me to stay detached and wary so that maybe it won’t hurt so much if or when Something Happens.Â
You would think that the devil would want us to hurt, right? So why wouldn’t he want us to get attached to our babies? Well, of course he wants to hurt us! It’s just that he knows that many of the ways we try to avoid pain in life hurt our souls. The devil has had an awful lot of success with tempting us to detach from young babies in our pro-choice culture. After all, if it’s “just a bunch of cells” until the baby is actually out of the womb, that makes abortion and abortifacient contraceptives a whole lot easier to justify, doesn’t it?
For me now, part of being pro-life is fighting the natural anxiety that comes with pregnancy by choosing joy. Sometimes, choosing joy opens us up to pain. It’s true. But choosing joy always leads to more joy, in the end. As Christians, we have to believe that. There are a thousand different ways in life that we must learn to “let the joy of the Lord be our strength,” and this is one of them.
Choosing joy isn’t going to come with cheery, everything-is-awesome feelings a lot of the time. That’s not the kind of joy we’re talking about here. The kind of joy I’m talking about is a steadiness of spirit that we choose to have, an attitude of remembrance of God’s love, power, and mercies in our lives and in the stories of others. It’s giving our worries back to God, and zooming out to see how He has, does, and will lovingly weave together the good and the bad in our lives.Â
I have already prayed for each of you who reads this post, especially for those of you struggling with fears of miscarriage or a recent loss. You are not alone, sister! May the peace of Christ which surpasses all understanding be with you.
In the joy of the Lord,
Thank you for this blog post! I miscarried in July at 4 weeks and I am currently pregnant at 4 weeks today. I have been feeling anxious, but your words have made me feel so much better. Thank you for the reminder that we need to trust in God and CHOOSE Joy. I am so thankful for the growing baby inside of me now and I will be choosing Joy for now on. No matter what happens. Thank you for your beautiful perspective and for praying for us!
Peace be with you, Rachel! I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I hope you and your baby are healthy and happy right now. Thank you so much for your comment! Blessings:) -Erin
Such a painful loss–I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so happy for your fourth baby on the way and thank you for sharing your beautiful perspective. XO
I appreciate you sharing your story. I too have experienced a miscarriage at 7 weeks, just one week after seeing a beautiful heartbeat. This was my first pregnancy after a 5 year struggle with infertility. I was so excited to be pregnant that I shared the good news with so many people close to me. I am about to undergo another fertility procedure to God willingly help me get pregnant again, and I can already feel the anxiety getting through that 7 week point and I am not even pregnant yet! I feel this time around like I don’t want to share the good news with anyone until the baby is practically ready to be born! Your story gives me strength to try to move on from these feelings the devil is putting in me.
If you happen to read this, would you mind emailing me at notaminx@gmail.com? I have been hoping to speak with a woman who experienced infertility, and then her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage (this has been my experience, and I am struggling). Thank you!
What a beautiful read and soft reminder. Joy is such a vulnerable beauty. I’m 34 weeks along with our first and I frequently hear about loss in our friend’s growing families. It is scary, but I try to trust in God’s will. Loved this!
Prayers for you and your baby. I lost my sixth baby and it made my husband too scared to try again. I don’t know how I would have felt in a subsequent pregnancy but I imagine I would have been terrified all the time. I love the message of this post.
I love this. I have been there, crippled with fear over miscarriage that I almost forgot to enjoy and be thankful for my pregnancy. But we shouldn’t spend life worrying about what could happen — we should embrace each day as God’s gift to us! Thank you for writing this and sharing your heart.
Thank you so much for your comment and kindness:) God bless you!
Tears! Thank you! I’m 14 weeks as well with our second after miscarrying our first this summer and I keep wondering when the anxious heart will be still…your thoughts about the devil stealing joy were spot on what I needed to hear!!
We are neck and neck then! 🙂
Thank you for this perspective. I have had four miscarriages now, including three in the last ten months. I do have five living children, for whom I am so thankful. Pregnancy makes me so sad, as I have had some awful health complications from the miscarriages as well. I choose joy by planning lots of trips with my family rather than staying home to dwell on our losses. I’ll try to think of your perspective during the anxious times between finding out I’m pregnant and losing the baby.
Thank you for this. In addition to the five children I have on earth, I’ve had four miscarriages, two of which were consecutive (June and October 2015), and both were at 12 weeks. Also with the last two losses, we’d seen a healthy baby with a heartbeat via ultrasound just weeks prior. I’m kind of terrified to get pregnant again, but if/when that day comes I’ll be sure to revisit this article.
Thank you Erin! I am so excited! I wondered about you….:) We are twenty one weeks! It’s another boy! My little sister is due in August too! Thank you Lord for these babies! We hosted a Mardi Gras party last night to bring Louisiana to the Midwest. I miss you friend!
Mary Lou!!!! You just absolutely made my day! Praise God! I have wondered about you guys as well:) Look at you bringing the party all the way up to the cold, cold Midwest!
Oh Erin, you so eloquently put so much of what has been in my heart through my seasons of pregnancies, losses and complications. I suppose that’s what happens when you speak the Truth. My amazing mother uttered nearly these exact words the week after my oldest brother passed. She looked at all of her surving children and told us that we are people of hope and people of hope can chose joy. That has stayed with me through two miscarriages and a baby born with a heart defect.
Some days I forget and need the reminder, so thank you!
I had no idea that you have two babies in Heaven, Rebecca. Miscarriage is such a personal and quiet suffering. I think you have a beautiful marriage and family, made more beautiful by knowing just a little of what you’ve been through with Jack. You almost always have a big smile on your face and such a stubborn matter-of-fact cheerfulness. I love hanging out with you.:) I am really looking forward to seeing you guys this weekend! 🙂
This is so beautiful. I struggle with this every pregnancy after miscarriage. Especially now when I’m in a high risk pregnancy and every week brings anxious appointments and so many “what-ifs.” But your point about the devil wanting to steal our joy brought tears to my eyes. I find myself not letting myself do the things I want to do (like get the baby stuff out or prepare for what new things we might need) because what if we lose the babies, etc. I’m more determined now to let myself love them no matter what comes. Thank you for your words.
Laura, honestly, you sharing your story has given me the courage to share my own. I still love everything you write, even and sometimes especially the hard things. Thank you for saying “yes” to letting God work through your great gift as a writer during this terrible time of uncertainty. Hugs and peace to you and yours today.:)
Erin, beautiful post. I love how your point on the best way to “beat” the devil and be truly pro life is to be joyful, inspite of our fears. Such a hard concept but so true and a great reminder.
Congratulations again! Blessings to you and your baby.
Hi Erin,
First of of thanks for sharing your struggle. I too have lost 2 babies through miscarriage, I prefer to think of it as divine intervention strange as that may sound, it just wasn’t God’s will for me to have those 2.That was a hard and bittersweet realization to come to. I may not ever have children, but I love my fur babies as if they were people. At any rate, as a staunch prolifer and a nurse I have been directly involved in the writing, building, and promotion of the Virginia house bill 1326 that’s about to make waves in that state along with some colleagues of mine. It’s a bill that talks about the promoting informed consent for abortiin supported by research linking abortion to premature birth and low birth weight babies in a addition to increased risk for placenta previa and placenta accreta. It is our hope that if this bill is passed into law other state legislators will promote it and it will have the desired effect of deterring women from choosing abortion due to the increased and unintended future risks. We’ll see what happens but you prayers would be much appreciated.
What an awesome project, Fay! Praise God for people like you working on bills like this. I am praying the Holy Spirit will put that bill on my heart again and again to pray for it’s passage.
I’m so sorry for your losses. That is so sad and so hard! It is beautiful to me, though, to catch a glimpse of the strong faith that has held you through your suffering…even just in a blog post comment, it’s so clear to me. God bless!
Thank you so much for writing this. After 5 losses, it is hard to find joy with this pregnancy. This will be pregnancy number 8. I have 2 beautiful girls that I have been blessed to care for. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and I too feel a sigh of relief now that the first trimester is gone. I find that prayer, trust in God and the intercession of the Saints have helped me be at peace, no matter what happens to the life inside me. Divine providence is what gives me hope. I look forward to Heaven and meeting all of our little ones and I feel so blessed that we have so many children who are with God and can pray for us! I will remember you, and anyone else struggling with loss and pregnancy, in prayer tonight.
Sarah, I just can’t imagine five little ones already in Heaven…peace be with you! Which saints have been a consolation and inspiration for you?
Saint Therese’s mother, Saint Zelie, has been a big inspiration. She lost a couple of children in infancy and when she became pregnant, she also had anxiety. They have a small book about her life titled “The Mother of The Little Flower”. It’s wonderful! Also, Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos, he is known for healing and my husband and I visited his shrine before becoming pregnant again.
And another book that really helped me accept my losses and learn to love them is ” Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence” by Father Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure. It’s a must read!!
So beautiful! I’m a month ahead of you (congrats!) and this is something I think about a lot. I lost my first baby at 22 weeks, had 2 term babies since then, and even though I still do breathe a little sigh of relief after the first trimester, I know all too well that something could still happen. But no matter what, this baby is still my baby, and I made the choice from the day I saw that positive test that I wouldn’t live in fear. Life is too short! You’re so right, the devil wants us to stay detached from our babies. It’s so hard to trust in God’s plan sometimes but I know (and have experienced) the good that can come from loss.
Choosing to not live in fear is such a great way to put it! Also, I love your point about “this baby is still my baby.” You are still a mother of three. I am a mother of five. I still don’t know sometimes what to say when people ask me how many children I have. I don’t want to be a downer and always mention my miscarriage. I wonder how you have dealt with that question? If maybe it just depends on the situation or who you’re talking to? I think it gives dignity to our children in Heaven to mention them from time to time, and to count them as souls created by my husband and I with God, instead of forget about them.
I have trouble with that question too! It totally depends on the situation or who I’m talking to – I do mention my first baby if I think that particular person can handle it and have been surprised how often people appreciate me sharing that with them. I know it’s made a lot of people realize you can never make assumptions about families! I also think it’s important to mention our losses as part of the pro-life community.