I have been asked many times how many children Michael and I want to have. My answer is always that I don’t have a number, not anymore.
We have been married for seven years. We have three children. We would love to have more. We have had to postpone pregnancy for serious reasons. We have had to wait on the blessing of a pregnancy. We have been surprised by a pregnancy. We have been surprised by the loss of one. We have dear friends who struggle with infertility, secondary infertility, and miscarriage. We have friends who had their spouse tragically die young. We have had friends who delivered a perfect–but unexpectedly stillborn–full-term baby. We have friends and family who formed their families through adoption. And we have had friends for whom exceptional fertility has been a great cross.
Life has schooled us in reality and given us tender hearts for sharing life-affirming perspective with others when it comes to having babies. We’ve learned that a culture of life starts with each one of us forming our own minds and hearts in perspective and truth. Life-affirming social habits–what we say and don’t say–will follow.
Don’t question or comment on family size
We can never assume anything about a couple’s intentions or faithfulness regarding their family size. We have to be diligent in not promoting or participating in speech that questions the intentions or motives of others.
Cari’s article last summer was compassionate and spot-on. She called out those who slip into any kind of “devout objectification” of children, thinking of them like living trophies that show the world how faithful our family or another family is, or how much a couple has accomplished.
More recently, Michaelyn pointed out that there are many faithful Christian couples with no children or fewer children who have said “yes” just as deeply to God’s plan for their family as those couples with large families. Infertility, sub- and secondary infertility, and multiple miscarriages are silent, breathtakingly difficult crosses that require a different, but equally courageous “yes.”
There will always be those people who see a couple with no children and start making awkward comments about when to expect the first little one. There will always be people who make snide comments to the mother-of-many about how to “just say no” to her husband. There will always be those people who talk about how “so-and-so are just really good at NFP.” Just don’t go there. And pray for the social grace and courage to skillfully diffuse or redirect comments and conversations that do go there.
Don’t make fun of new parents
There was a meme floating around Facebook a few months ago making fun of “What I Did When I Had Just One Child.” I shared it on my page like thousands of other mothers wanting to pass on a good laugh. I want to apologize sincerely to those of you for whom that share was hurtful.
“You have a beautiful family”
When we see a happy family all together, something inside of us responds to that image as something that is beautiful. We can’t help it. It turns out that we are created to see beauty in the family, because the family is an image of God.
As Catholics, every time we do the Sign of the Cross we are reminded of the trinitarian nature of God. The Father and the Son loved each other so much that their love gave birth to new Love itself: the Holy Spirit. In a wonderful echoing of that, the love of a husband and wife produces new life as well.
The family unit is an image of the Trinity, no matter how many lives the love of that husband and wife create. Creating a culture of life can also start with making it a point to tell our friends, family and neighbors of all family sizes: “You have a beautiful family.”
Sometimes being reminded that what we are doing is beautiful, mess and all, is the best affirmation in the world.
Yes, yes, and yes!
Phew, for a second there I thought saying “you have a beautiful family” was wrong. Then I reread it! 🙂 I fall into this trap all the time, judging families based on their size. But miscarriage and infertility is more common than we think! I always had a bit of a wondering why my friend only had two little ones, and they were extremely devout. Turns out they’ve had two miscarriages, one at 20 weeks! 🙁 Thank you for the reminder, we must never judge too quickly!
I’ve been the “wonderer” too often, but life experience has somewhat put me on the other side of that a little bit, and it’s helped me to become more charitable and less nosy in my thoughts.:)
Constance Hull has an article on CatholicExchange.com today called “Learning Prudence from Miscarriage, Post-Partum Depression, and NaPro.” The upshot of her reflections and personal experiences is that you never know what burdens others carry, and God’s will is unique for each person and family. It is up to each person and each couple to discern God’s will for their lives. Our job should be to lovingly support each other however we can.
Wow–thanks for this, Kathryn! It is a wonderful article and I’m thankful you sent me over there. For anyone who wants the link, here it is: http://catholicexchange.com/learning-prudence-from-miscarriage-post-partum-depression-and-napro
This was a beautiful post! Glad to see it making the rounds on Facebook!
Thank you so much, Angela:)
I love this so much! “You have a beautiful family” – well, that is just perfect as a fall-back response to pretty much every family situation and size I can think of. Thank you for this.
So glad you liked the post. I feel like so often I have to learn lessons like these the hard way…
God bless you and yours, Laura:)
Yes, yes, and yes!!!
As an adoptive mom, faithful Catholic… I love this post!!
Glad to have (edel) stumbled on your blog!
So glad this resonated with you, Jill! Thanks for saying hello and leaving a comment. Edel was SO wonderful, wasn’t it!?:) I hope you had a soft landing when you got back home from the weekend.
Peace and joy to your and your *beautiful* family.:)
Wow. This post was right up our alley. We, especially I, get comments about how many we will have and being the next Duggar family. :sigh: Even in jest, comments get old… you know that. But, like you, my answer has become, "We don't have a number. We pray about it every month." Most people know then that it's none of their business how my husband and I discern our family planning. God grants me grace to respond chartiably in all circumstances, and I almsot always feel the need to tap into that grace.
Thank you for sharing. We have been married six years, and during our six years of marriage God has blessed us with six babies. Number six is due this year. I would never have imagined God would grow our family so quickly. There have definitely been struggles, but God keeps asking us to trust. So often I wonder how we will afford something or do something, but God always provides a way. Just trust one day at a time.
Goodness, what a full six years you and your husband have had! I bet me and my kids would LOVE to have a playdate at your house sometime! I always bring coffee.:)
I appreciate the encouragement to trust one day at a time. I have to re-surrender to that every day right now for a few different reasons. What a beautiful tapestry of planting and touching the lives of others and growing our souls life is. Or at least I hope it's beautiful from God's perspective:)
wow! One child is a hobby? I didn't feel that way when I had my first….I agree with your post wholeheartedly- I wrote about this issue a while back: http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com/2012/03/family-size-does-not-equal-birth.html
I actually read your excellent post while I was writing this afternoon.:) I really liked your blog and will be keeping up with you from now on!
Thanks! Since I wrote that post I know even more couples who are struggling with infertility or secondary infertility 🙁 I am a bit of an advocate for progesterone support. I believe that I stayed pg with my last 2 children because I 'forced' the doc to prescribe progesterone (and heparin- for my mild lupus)