Humble Handmaid

The devil’s favorite color is gray

Humble Handmaid· Interior Life· Marriage· NFP



“Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” -Proverbs 4:23


If you eat a box of donuts, you know they are going to go straight to your hips. If you consume trashy media, it’s going to go straight to your head–and your heart. Instead of muffin tops, though, the consequences of consuming “junk” from books, music and film will come in the form of nagging little feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, and discontent with your body, your wardrobe, your lifestyle, or your spouse. It will also sow seeds of selfishness, which is probably the number one enemy of a happy marriage.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that my marriage has enough to work through without introducing any more junk into it. I think that is true for most marriages, simply because the nature of relationships is that there is always something we are working through. No one and no marriage is perfect. The idea of guarding your heart is as important for our teenaged children as it is for a husband or wife of thirty years. 

One way I’m guarding my heart–and my marriage–is by staying far away from 50 Shades of Grey, a trilogy of sexually explicit books about a virginal college student seduced by a handsome billionaire. The books are notable for explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism. The Fifty Shades books started out as erotic fan fiction based on the Twilight series. Teresa Tomeo does a good job of explaining what’s in the books and why it’s disturbing and ultimately harmful. 

G.K. Chesterton wrote many years ago, “The devil’s favorite color is gray.” The immense popularity of 50 Shades of Grey should be a red flag. If all of these women are really just looking for a little “fiction and fun reading” or a “boost for their marriage,” why are they reading what talking heads in the media have often referred to as “mommy porn”? Is their marriage being healed and strengthened deeply–or are they putting a temporary bandaid on larger issues that need attention? A lot of good women–many of them sitting right next to you at church and in the carpool line–are getting sucked in to something that’s definitely not from God. And if it’s not from God and not for God, where is it from? 

I’m convinced that there’s a better way to do this love and marriage thing than what we learn in the catechism of our culture. And I’m convinced that Catholic teaching on love and marriage contains the fullest breadth and depth of truth, especially as explained by St. Pope John Paul II’s beautiful, surprising, and truly revolutionary Theology of the Body. I don’t care if you are young, old, Catholic or Protestant, married five years or fifty years–you need to hear this stuff. When you hear the Bible, Catholic teaching on sex and marriage, and all of the deepest longings of your heart woven together and explained like that, something just clicks. This is how it’s supposed to be.
There are many, many marriages around you struggling with serious problems with intimacy. Maybe one of those marriages is yours. So many people–so many good-hearted, striving-for-a-good-marriage people–are desperate. Because love is so, so complicated. And sex can make everything so, so much more complicated. I think that many people are curious. And some are hearing from their friends that pornographic material like 50 Shades has “helped” them. In reality, many people are putting the equivalent of cheap, off-brand bandaids that don’t stick onto deep wounds and problems. The gray area comes in when people have the legitimate and good desire to improve their marriage, but they decide to try out morally questionable means to that end. Teens and unmarried young adults, especially college students, are devouring the 50 Shades books as well. They are allowing their concepts of  “good” love, sex, and marriage to be distorted by seeds of selfishness that will become full-grown weeds of trouble in their future relationships.

For my marriage, I’m placing my bets on the triumph of real, God-centered marital love: sacrificial, unselfish, courageous love that takes years and years to perfect. Mike and I are not quite there yet. And some days–on hard days–I feel like we’ve taken a hundred steps backwards! But we are living a Godly life and marriage to the best of our abilities, and God will be faithful to molding us and our marriage into the beautiful witness he created us to be. I cannot deny His amazing work in my life and marriage these past seven years.

It all goes back to whether God is God…or not. If God is who he says he is, then it is ridiculous to try to follow any path but the one He’s got for me. It’s also ridiculous to let him into every part of my life…except for my sex life.

There are so many reasons why this topic is one that I am (could you tell?) a little passionate about. As I am finishing up this post, I want you to know that you are being prayed for as I type these words. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit would touch your heart as you read this post with exactly
what you need to hear about this topic. I pray for consolation, healing, guidance and strength for those suffering and struggling with intimacy in their marriages. I pray for openness to the work of the Holy Spirit in the hearts of those who need to let God in even more. Finally, I pray that those who promote 50 Shades of Grey and any other pornographic media would one day be convicted by the fullness of the truth. 

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Comments

  1. Roberta says

    As always, Erin, very well written and very well said. Here's how I look at it: If you're a Christian, a new creation in Christ, that holy and righteous character wouldn't want to read something like this. I wouldn't tell a friend not to read it–I'd simply ask them, "Why?"

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  2. Anonymous says

    Thank you for saying it like it is! Very well written…clear, consise, factual but with compassion. Really liked the G.K. Chesterton quote about the devil's favorite color being gray. Certainly reflects lots of areas in our culture today.

    Reply

  5. Kari says

    Beautiful, Erin! I've hated hearing about those awful books from the beginning. You've put into words beautifully much of what I've been thinking. Thank you so much for your courage!

    Reply

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