I should be taking a nap instead of writing this. I am so, so very tired!
The sleep deprivation hit me a few nights ago.
For the first week or so of being a mom, I was perky, happy and generally on a New Mom High. I can only conclude that my body hadn’t quite figured out that I wasn’t going to allow it to sleep for more than two-and-a-half hours at a time.
As week two of motherhood begins, however, my body has “found me out” and has been strenuously objecting to this sleep deprivation torture method. It has manifested its anxiety and irritation in several ways.
First, I am unfortunately more irritable.
Secondly, this loves-to-be-put-together-all-the-time Southern belle wants to wear pajamas and fuzzy socks all day long. And they don’t even have to match.
Third, I want to post a sign on my front door that says:
“All Who Enter Must Be Comfortable with Breastfeeding in Public (With or Without a Blanket for Modesty Since It Falls Off Half the Time) Because There’s a 99% Chance That Erin Will Be Breastfeeding at Some Point During Your Visit.”
Fourth, instead of taking naps, my body has tried to beat me down by making me have irrational needs to do random house chores. (Fellow moms and wise women: Please fuss at me.) I’m talking things like needing to have the laundry room doors completely closed, the trash can bag hanging properly, and the sooty stuff on the inside of my favorite candles wiped clean.
Finally, I pray my heart out all day (and night) long.
I guess the praying part is good for me in the end.
Before mass on Sunday, I was exhausted and disheartened. Deacon Tom gave a homily that helped me collect myself though. He reminded us that God often calls us to things that seem to be or hard for us, but that we are never too small or too weak for what He is calling us to. He named Moses, Jeremiah, and Mary as examples of people who thought they were too small for God’s plans.
Deacon Tom emphasized that we have to accept God’s will for us with a heart like Mary, who offered her whole self as a handmaid for the Lord (Oh, how Luke 1:26 continues to stalk me!).
Now that I’m a mom, I feel a new kinship to Mary. Just like Mary, I opened my body and heart to God’s plan for me: motherhood. And just like Mary, I feel too young, small and weak for the job! In the end, though, I trust that God’s plan for my life–especially motherhood–will bring me greater fulfillment and happiness than I could ever have found on my own. Already, my life is incredibly blessed by anyone’s standards.
So, right now I’m tired, I’m cranky, and I constantly wonder (especially during 2 a.m. feedings) how God has called me to this amazing but difficult vocation. To borrow from Carrie Underwood, however, I am letting Jesus take the wheel.